


if you must mourn

by sybilluv



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Another sad one from me you guys, F/F, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Not Beta Read, Sad Ending, Temperance Ending (Cyberunk 2077)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:22:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29579526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sybilluv/pseuds/sybilluv
Summary: "Really? You're just gonna avoid me? Of course you would, you fucking coward. Here's a bit of advice for you, Johnny: Enjoy your new lease on life. 'Cause it's not gonna last long. I'm serious. Believe me when I say I'm gonna find you, you fucking psychopath - wherever you're hiding. And when I do, I'm gonna rip V out of your head. Don't ask me how, but so far I'm counting on sheer will. You know what you are, Johnny? A parasite. A fucking tapeworm! You hear me?! Enjoy the little time you have left."ORAfter Mikoshi, Johnny disappears. Six months of running away, he thinks he's disappeared from the Aldecaldos, that he's safe from Panam's rage.He's not.
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand & V, Panam Palmer & V, Panam Palmer/V
Comments: 6
Kudos: 49





	if you must mourn

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to Panam's audio lines and thought about what might happen if Panam found Johnny after the events leading up to and after the Temperance ending. She's fucking pissed, hellbent on finding Johnny no matter where it leads her across the country. So what happens if she does? This is my take.
> 
> Any and all mistakes are my own, I recommend listening to You by Keaton Henson for this.

_ "Really? You're just gonna avoid me? Of course you would, you fucking coward. Here's a bit of advice for you, Johnny: Enjoy your new lease on life. 'Cause it's not gonna last long. I'm serious. Believe me when I say I'm gonna find you, you fucking psychopath - wherever you're hiding. And when I do, I'm gonna rip V out of your head. Don't ask me how, but so far I'm counting on sheer will. You know what you are, Johnny? A parasite. A fucking tapeworm! You hear me?! Enjoy the little time you have left." _

Johnny sighs, listening to the voicemail from Panam for the nth time that week. The feelings for her that V had remain in his system even after six months of not seeing her. After they broke into Mikoshi with the Aldecaldos, the sacrifices they made for V, who’d promised Panam that she’d be the one to return, not Johnny.

Which was a lie. V lied through her fucking teeth, and Johnny woke up in a body that was never supposed to be his, hand reaching out for V, calling her name. He runs a hand over her necklace, over the bullet. 

The grief in Panam’s face when she realized it wasn’t V who returned from cyberspace, but the  _ parasite _ that she’d come to loathe so much. Honestly, Johnny felt the same— he’d much rather be in Alt’s body, forgetting his name, his identity, than stand where he is now.

He wasn’t about to stay in Night City after blowing Arasaka’s headquarters for a second time, not after what they did to him the  _ first _ time. So he gathered V’s things, shoved everything into the back of her Javelina, and hauled ass out of there. Had the help of some kid, doesn’t remember his name.

Feels terrible. Felt this way since she saw the look on Panam’s face, sadness contorting into hatred as she stormed out of the building, not even waiting for Johnny to follow. Waited until they were back at camp to spin around and deck him in the face, tears streaming down her cheeks. Spilled her regrets right then and there, sobbing, weakly punching Johnny’s chest.

_ “I never told her,” _ Panam sobbed, mascara smearing down with her tears,  _ “I never got to tell her, I— why did she lie to me…? Fuck, V! Fuck, fuck, fuck!” _

Johnny didn’t dare move. Didn’t dare try to wrap his arms around Panam like V would’ve, apologizing and breaking down again. He stood there and took it all, standing against the glares from the Aldecaldos, never once tearing his eyes away from the stars above as Panam weeped against his chest. 

Johnny didn’t stay. Couldn’t, really, not with the guilt of V’s absence weighing on his shoulders. Saul’s death, Panam grieving and moving around the Aldecaldos camp like an empty husk. Left early morning, wrote an apology to Panam, V’s last words. 

_ “I love you, Pan. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay. Please forgive me. I love you so, so much.” _

Panam didn’t deserve such a loss. Something so painful as losing your best friend—  _ another _ best friend, as well as someone you loved as more than. No one would go so far, sacrifice so much, for someone she wanted to keep as  _ just _ a friend. Johnny could tell, not that V believed a word he said when it came to love.

He didn’t blame her. Johnny was terrible at relationships. But he could see it in the way Panam looked at her, the lingering gaze and shoulders brushing. She looked at V with so much adoration, so much  _ love. _

Then Johnny tore everything to pieces, watching while V’s engram slowly disappeared in front of him, red binary slowly disappearing, disintegrating,  _ V, please no, please wait, hold on, I promised that it would be me— _

He promised. Runs his fingers over his tags. Curses silently at the burning in his throat, the blurred vision.  _ Fuck it all. _ Pushing himself off the balcony, running a hand through his silver hair. Chopped it all off as soon as he could, the moonlight locks reminding him of a friend, a  _ sister, _ really. Their bond was something Johnny’d never felt before.

Something he’d never feel again. Not with her absence.

After driving across dunes for the past few months, V’s normally pale skin burned, then slowly started to tan. Looks a lot different from what he did when he first left, but he still sees her when he looks in the mirror. Hears her when he talks, smells her perfume on the clothes he brought with him.

What he wouldn’t give to bring V back. She was important to so many people, and Johnny was a dying legend, old and long passed away. A niche at the Columbarium, already left his mark on the world. V still could’ve found a cure after Johnny disappeared into the Blackwall with Alt. The chances were slim, but she should’ve taken them.

V would still be alive, riding with the Aldecaldos, with  _ Panam. _ Panam, who very obviously was in love with V. And who very obviously holds a lot of hatred for Johnny “Tapeworm” Silverhand.

He wonders how Panam’s doing, though. Johnny’s mind always wanders to those that held an important place in V’s heart, because he’s a mere replacement from the real thing. A placeholder, one that’s still hoping that V will return after a while, tearing Johnny from her body once and for all. 

So far, no such thing has happened.

The relic doesn’t bother Johnny. He runs a hand over the shard in the nape of his neck, wonders if he would disappear if he pulled it out. Alt told him that it would do nothing if he took control of V’s body, so it wouldn’t be a problem if he yanked the shard out. 

Still, he hasn’t. Alt may be a genius AI, but she never really elaborated on which theories were factual and which were merely conjecture. So Johnny doesn’t mess with the shard in his neck, dropping his hand to his side. 

Panam could’ve found a cure for V. Anything Panam puts her mind to, she could do. That’s one of the reasons why V loved her.

The rumbling of multiple engines catches Johnny’s attention, and he leaning over the balcony again. It’s a big group coming into town this time. He hopes the Aldecaldos are doing well. 

The Aldecaldos…

He blinks. A familiar looking Thorn parks right next to V’s Javelina. The ‘Speed Addict’ graffiti on the driver side door. Johnny’s heart drops. He swallows, watching, waiting. Can’t be too sure, there’s always a chance that it isn’t her, just someone with another Mackinaw that has the same paint job, the same turret, the same—

The driver door opens. Johnny stops breathing.

* * *

“We’ll set up camp right here, on the outskirts of this town,” Panam says over the radio, pulling the panzer forward, face drawn in a scowl as she looks at the town from afar. It’s not another ghost town, fortunately, so they’ll be able to restock on supplies.

_ “How many do you think there are?” V inquires in the passenger seat, staring out the window. “Ghost towns, I mean.” _

_ Panam mulls the question over for a moment, tilting her head slightly to think. “Country-wide? Thousands.” She’s seen dozens while riding with the clan, squatted in plenty.  _

_ Watched as Saul ordered the tribe around, eyes aflame as he takes charge, standing in the bed of his truck. Jumping down and looking at Panam, grinning at her and ruffling her hair before getting to work. _

Two people. Two people taking up so much space in Panam’s heart. Both long gone.

Mitch sighs from the other seat in the Basilisk. Panam cringes.

The sorry is on her lips. Mitch beats her to it. “Don’t, Pan. I know you still miss her. Both her 'n Saul.” He loosens his grip on the controls, leans over to squeeze Panam’s shoulder. There’s silence for a moment, as Panam compartmentalizes, bottles everything up again. “Are you still hellbent on finding him?”

A flash of V in Mitch’s mind travels to Panam. Samurai jacket, leather pants, dog tags. Gray eyes in thin slits, a cocky grin, cigarette between white teeth. 

Another memory, where Johnny’s by the fire at camp, talking to Cassidy and Scooter about music. Cassidy offers his guitar, and Johnny blinks before smirking, taking it and plopping himself right next to the vet.

Plays a song and sings, with  _ V’s _ voice, so mesmerizing, throaty and husky and—

“Panam.”

“Do you even have to ask?” She snaps, anger flaring temporarily. “When I find him, he’s getting a fucking beating, mark my words. Taking V’s body and ghosting like a fucking coward,” Panam growls, lips curling into a sneer, “he’s going to get what’s coming to him.”

Mitch thinks of saying something else, but another memory replaces it. 

_ “Mitch,” Johnny’s eyes are glued to the sand by his feet. “I know that nothin’ I say’ll…” He sighs, runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck, I’ve never been good at this. Jus’ wanted to say that I’m leavin’. Want to respect V’s wishes, and I know damn well you lot don’t want a phantom like me in your ranks. Not when she was so important. To everyone. T’ Panam.”  _

_ Guilt contorts in Mitch’s gut. He doesn’t want V— Johnny to leave like this, not when he could just as easily join the family. Still, he knows that isn’t the smartest choice, considering…  _

_ He rubs a hand on the back of his neck, then steps forward, placing a hand on Johnny’s shoulder. “Do what you have to. Just— just take care of yourself out there. ‘N make damn sure we never see you again.” It’s brutal, it’s harsh. Mitch can’t see how Johnny reacts behind those aviators if his. _

_ Johnny nods, brushing Mitch’s hand off of him. “I left a note. For Panam. V’s… message to her. Fuckin’ gonk should’ve left more for the woman she’s in love with, but who am I to say shit.” He starts walking away toward V’s Javelina, then pauses. “And don’t worry. I’ll disappear like the ghost I am.” _

She hasn’t seen that memory before. Knows damn well that Mitch could’ve hidden it from her. He still decided to show it. 

“Mitch.” Panam’s voice trembles, and the panzer stops with the rest of the tribe. “Mitch, what was that?”

“Something I thought you needed to see,” he grunts, shutting off the panzer and disconnecting. Mitch is halfway out the panzer when he adds, “Don’t take too long, chief. We need you, out here.”

No. The tribe will be able to set up just find without Panam’s guidance. She’ll take all the time she fucking needs. Feelings she’d repressed, shoved in a box months ago suddenly come forth in waves, and she’s curling in on herself, eyes wide.

She could’ve gone her whole life without hearing that. V wasn’t going to stay with the Aldecaldos? Or did she want Johnny to leave after she gave him control? After that, Johnny admitting that V loved her. He wrote as much on the note. 

“Fuck,” she exhales shakily. 

Fuck, indeed. Mitch doesn’t want her to beat Johnny to smithereens. Knows that he isn’t as bad as Panam makes him out to be. Johnny cares about V just as much as Panam does. She remembers how he woke up from Mikoshi, crying out for V, eyes watering.

Then weeping, holding his face in his hands, cursing through sobs. Looking up at Panam, grief and an apology muttered.

No apology from that fucking  _ parasite _ is genuine. Not when he says it in her voice. 

She pushes herself up, disconnects from the panzer. Bottles every emotion related to V up. Thinks about Johnny in V’s body, alive and well. The fire, the  _ rage _ returns.

Any attempts from Mitch to try and get Panam to change her mind about Johnny will  _ always  _ fail.

Always.

Panam’s out of the Basilisk in seconds, checking on her family. Mitch glances her way before guiltily looking away. She doesn’t care. He can apologize all he wants later, but Panam’s not in the state of mind to give a shit. She’s the sole chief of the Aldecaldos, and it’s not her job to act like a fucking grieving widow.

She never got the chance to get that far, anyway.

“Wes, Carol, Scooter!” Panam says, her voice booming over the noise of the tribe setting up their tents. “Come with me into town, and drive separately. We’re restocking here,” she finishes, jumping down from the panzer to get to her Thorn.

_ Doesn’t smell like Raffen Shiv, thank God. Panam adjusts the seat, shifts a little. Moves the hatch above her, fiddles with the tablet next to the wheel. “At last,” she murmurs, before turning to V, grinning wide. “And? She’s prime wheels, isn’t she?” _

_ V chuckles, “Dreamy, indeed. No surprise you wanted her back.” _

_ “She completes me,” Panam sighs, rolling her shoulders, running her hands over the steering wheel. _

A glance at the empty passenger seat. It’s been that way ever since Mikoshi. No one has driven with Panam, and she plans on keeping it that way. Her Thorn is her safe space. Sure, the rest of the clan might only be a button press away, but she’s truly alone in her truck. The only one who ever really goes in it is Dakota, who drives it for her when Panam’s piloting the Basilisk with Mitch.

She’s starting the ignition, mind on autopilot as she drives to the town not even a mile away. Three cars driving behind her, radio dead silent. The vets know when Panam’s in a bad mood. They could thank Mitch for that.

It looks like a town that’s used to nomads stopping through, at least. With the way that doors don’t slam shut, people not even wincing when they drive past them. She sees a motel ahead, decides that’s a good enough place to park—

Her blood runs cold when she sees a familiar looking car. Too familiar, so she parks right next to it. Panic bubbles up her chest, cold and sharp around her heart.  _ No. No fucking way. _

Panam knows that Javelina. Knows the nicked paint job on the hood, the Aldecaldos phantom horse on the trunk. 

She sees red.

Doesn’t think about keeping up appearances,  _ barely _ hears Carol calling her name as she throws herself out of her Thorn and into the motel. Looks up, scans the whole fucking place. It might just be a coincidence. Johnny might’ve sold the Javelina to someone, might be someone else’s, she’s overreacting—

Someone retreats from the balcony, but Panam sees the Samurai logo on their jacket. Panam breaks out into a sprint, running toward the flight of stairs closest to her,  _ which room, which room was that? _ Ignoring the receptionist—

_ The receptionist. _

She spins back around, slams her hand on the bar. “Which room is the silver-haired woman in? Brown samurai jacket, dog tags?”

The receptionist blinks at her. Panam’s ready to pull her fucking pistol out and threaten the goddamn man. “R-room 263. Down the hall and—”

Panam tunes him out, already jogging to the room that  _ he’s _ in. Passes numbers, skims them and keep walking until she’s where she needs to be. Slams her fist on the door. “Open the fucking door, Johnny! I know you’re in there.”

Silence. Enraged, Panam kicks the door, kicks it  _ hard. _ Again and again and again until finally, she hears footsteps from the other side. “If you don’t open the goddamn door, I will bust the fucking thing down and wring your pathetic  _ neck—” _

“I ain’t openin’ the door, Panam.”

Her voice. Low, raspy. She hasn’t heard it in six months.

_ Panam’s phone rings in the dead of the night. She groans, curses as she rolls over, slaps blindly for her phone. Grabs it, winces at the brightness of her screen. Sees V’s name, decides that she won’t try to be angry when she answers. “Mmm, hey.” _

_ “Panam.” The tone of V’s voice shakes away the last dredges of sleep clinging to Panam. “Hey.” Maybe she’s imagining things. But V never sounds so weak, so small. Maybe she had a nightmare? _

_ “V. Do you know what time it is?” She asks, rubbing her eyes. Doesn’t ask why she’s calling so late. Waits when V takes her time to respond. Something definitely isn’t right. _

_ “I know. I know, I just…” V trails off. “Panam, there’s somethin’ I gotta do. Today. Gonna be high risk. Big time. But I have to.” _

_ “It’s the relic, isn’t it?” Panam hears V’s breath hitch, and she knows she hit the mark. “Alright. Tell me where you are and plant your ass there. I’m on my way. Be there in an hour, tops.” _

_ “Panam, I can’t—” _

_ “Shut up.” She’s grabbing her jacket, the card to her car. “I don’t care. I’m helping you whether you want me to or not. My offer— Saul’s offer. Now’s the time to use it. So I’m coming to you, V. Because I— whatever. Where are you?” _

Now’s not the time to get emotional. Not the sad kind, anyway. “You will. I have the patience to play this waiting game with you, Johnny, and I know damn well that you’ll crack first. I have waited  _ six _ months for this opportunity. I am not letting it slip through my fingers, now.”

Johnny doesn’t answer. Panam crosses her arms, waits.

“You’re jus’ gonna hurt yourself, Panam,” Johnny sighs, sounding—  _ concerned? _ “Told him I’d disappear, can’t do ‘nothin right, now. You saw her note, didn’t you?”

“... Yes.” 

“Then there’s nothin’ t’ say. Leave, Panam. The tribe needs you more than you need—”

“Open. The. Fucking  _ Door,” _ she punctuates. “I’m  _ not _ leaving.”

It’s another minute before the door hisses open, and Johnny’s standing right there. He lets Panam tackle him to the ground, his aviators flying off of his face and sliding far across the room. He shields his face when Panam raises her hands, hits him  _ hard. _ As hard as she fucking can. 

Yeah. This is about as much as Johnny expected.

“You fucking  _ left,” _ Panam hits him again, “left that  _ note _ and her— her  _ jacket! _ You left her fucking jacket when you should’ve just taken the goddamn thing with you,” she yells, spittle flying from her lips. She goes for another punch but Johnny grabs her wrist, does the same for her other wrist when she tries to land another hit. “Let  _ go _ of me!”

“I’m not about to let you break both my fuckin’ arms—”

“You  _ coward,” _ Panam interrupts, locked in place. “Fucking  _ bastard, _ you took her from me! She  _ promised,” _ the wind leaves her sails, she’s lost in her grief again. “V promised she’d come back. What did you do with her?!”

An amalgamation of rage and despair, a heartbreak that hasn’t had enough time to heal. “What did you  _ do…?” _

Fat teardrops splatter against Johnny’s chest, and he takes a long, deep breath. “I woulda stopped her if I could, Panam. But she didn’t let me. Didn’t give me the chance.” His voice cracks. “I’d give anything to bring her back for you.”

Two broken people, mourning over the loss of one woman. 

Footsteps increase in volume toward Johnny’s room, and someone’s grabbing Panam, yanking her away from Johnny. She screams, scathing,  _ seething, _ kicking against whoever’s holding her against her will. Johnny pushes himself off the floor, ignores the way that the vets are looking at him.

_ No point in staying the night, now, _ he thinks drily, moving around the small room to gather his things, not even reacting at Panam’s screams, her curses. He’s throwing his bag over his shoulder when he notices a crumpled piece of paper on the floor. Johnny kneels down and picks it up.

Panam’s screaming stops. “That’s—”

Johnny steps forward, shoves the paper in the pocket of Panam’s Aldecaldo jacket. “Put it in a locket or somethin’, would you? Means too much to you for you to lose it that easily,” he grunts, meeting Panam’s eye. He slumps visibly, sighs. “I’m sorry. I mean it. Know it won’t change a fuckin’ thing, too. But I’ll still say it.”

There’s a standstill. Johnny wants to say more, so does Panam. She speaks up first.

“Did she—” she takes a shaky breath. “Did she really love me? Did she feel the same way? Or—”

Johnny scoffs, rolls his eyes. “It’s all in that fuckin’ note, you dumbass.”

Another beat. Two. Johnny starts again, “I plan on scroungin’ up ‘nough cash to try ‘n leave NUSA for good. Told Mitch that you lot’d never see me again. Fat fuckin’ lie that was, I guess. I’ll leave for real. Hate how she haunts the both of us—”

_ “Wait! _ Wait,” Panam chokes out, desperation clouding her thoughts, “I— you…  _ fuck, _ join the Aldecaldos.”  _ Don’t leave. I can’t live without her. Without her memory. Stay.  _ “Please.”

“That’s the worst fuckin’ thing to come out of your mouth yet,” Johnny scoffs, turning around because he remembers that his aviators are still on the floor. “She ain’t here anymore, ‘n you need to accept that. Don’t forget about her, don’t forget everythin’ she’s done for you. But don’t let your love for her hold you back. She wouldn’t want you to—”

“The  _ fuck _ you know about her?! What, just because you were in her head, stealing her away from herself? Fuck  _ off _ with that bullshit. I  _ loved _ her, and she loved me! But she still decided that it’d be best for her to sacrifice herself for  _ you?! _ All to save me from my heart breaking if we never found a cure?” Panam sneers, digging her nails into the flesh of her palms.

“That’s  _ exactly _ what she did,” Johnny snaps, losing his temper for a moment before letting it fizzle out. “Because she did love you. Sometimes you gotta make some shitty sacrifices for the people you love.” 

He pushes past Carol, past Wes and Scooter. “See you never, Panam. You’ll meet her in another life. That I promise.”

Panam listens to his fading footsteps. Carol holds her still, until she hears Johnny open and shut the driver side door, start the engine of his Javelina, and drive off. Then she lets Panam crumple onto the grimy motel floor.

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck. _ She slams the sides of her fists into the ground, screams out all of her frustrations until she’s sobbing, throat burning from the strain. She’ll never see Johnny again. What could she have done better? Was there a way to convince him to stay, or was she always doomed to fail? Destined to lose again?

She’s lost so many people. Scorpion, Saul, and now  _ her. _ To  _ him. _

Her chest  _ hurts. _ Everything hurts, everything. After months of keeping everything neatly bottled up on shelves, Johnny had to appear in a fucking earthquake and destroy everything. Now Panam’s stepping on glass bottles, burning herself on the feelings she’s been avoiding, ignoring. 

Another sob wracks her body. 

_ I miss you, come back. Please come back. Please don’t leave me again, please don’t go. Please, I love you, V, come back to me. Don’t leave me alone like this. Not like this. _

_ Don’t go. _

_ Please. _

**Author's Note:**

> I did almost cry when writing this. I had that feeling in my chest that burns icy cold and my eyes started to water at one point. If you can't tell, I really love Panam Palmer. Hope you enjoyed, and, as always, until next time!


End file.
